THE DOCTORS APPOINTMENT

Today, I had to go see my doctor...my "woman" doctor...my OBGYN. For all of my male readers, an OBGYN is

I wasn't really as nervous as I used to be in the past. Now, I simply see it as one more awkward thing I have to do, just like Christmas at the in-laws. I can't complain too much though, my OBGYN is a great guy. YES, HE is a GUY, and NO, my husband isn't jealous. Cause I know some of you fellas would be.
This was the first time I had been back to see him since my six week check-up after giving birth to Madison. Again, for my testosterone filled readers: After a woman has a baby, a follow-up appointment is made six weeks later so the doctor can determine that the womans body is healing properly after childbirth. It's also when the Doc usually gives the go ahead to return to a normal sexually active lifestyle.... which for most men, is an anxiously awaited day. Though most women aren't extremely thrilled about the mere idea of sex, since they're barely done bleeding by the 6th week. Yeah- I went there, whatcha' gonna do about it?

So today was my annual appointment, complete with a pap smear and a breast exam. WOO HOO! As I said earlier, this was normally something I avoided at ALL costs in the past. I never cared about the well being of my body, I just knew I wasn't going to let some strange man (or woman) delve inside of me unnecessarily, at least not without buying me dinner first. You can say I built up a wall to protect myself from such circumstances, as I didn't have the best introduction to the element of sex when I was younger. But thats an entirely different blog post!
You know you've lost that girlish attribute and have become a tried and true woman or mother, when you can comfortably carry on a conversation with your doctor or nurse as they examine you. Here I am, feet in the stir-ups, spread eagle, with a spot light illuminating me "down there", and just as Dr.Caldwell snaps on his rubber gloves, he asks me, "So, how's the modeling business going?". So I begin chatting with him and the observing nurse about the Boys and Girls Club fashion show! The nurse complimented me in all my exposure, saying I was one of the only moms she knew that could continue modeling Jr's Fashions after having 2 kids. When the Doc agreed, I thought, "Hey, he must know what he's talking about. After all, he HAS seen more panooch than Ron Jeremy!" Probably not, but anyway.
After my internal exam, I received a new tetanus shot. Last week, I was pulling weeds in my yard, around the enormous junk pile that once was our deck before we remodeled the house, and I pierced the arch of my foot with a well camouflaged, old rusty nail that was sticking out of one of the scrap boards. The profanities flowed from my lips, as I hobbled back into the house, bleeding like a stigmatic. I knew the tetanus shot was good for 10 years and I was sure I got one before I had Vinny, but I just wanted to be safe. Of course I flinched like a little girl as the needle was inserted into my arm. God, I HATE needles! I don't know how crackheads do it. Now I feel like a real sally because my arm actually hurts. It's more like that dull pain that only intensifies when you strain the muscle. The only upside to being violated and stuck like a voo-doo doll, was being able to renew my prescription for the birth control patch. As far as I'm concerned, I have no plans of entering the office of my OBGYN for any other reason until my 2007 annual exam.

God Bless the cold, clammy handed doctors of Obstetrics and Gynecology!
Boldly going where no man has gone before seeking courage from a bottle first.