Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers

This is one of the greatest Onion articles I've read of late.

The best investigative reporting on the planet now brings us new remedies for keeping a heart- attack at bay.

"A team of researchers at Johns Hopkins University have found a link between
the consumption of dog urine and the decreased likelihood of heart attacks, team
leaders announced Tuesday in cracking, uneven voices. "

My friend, Dr. Cybela, notable veterinarian, once told me it was
impossible for dogs to have heart attacks, or was it a stroke?
Whatever.

Rex is a lover and he's willing to help keep your heart healthy, so I taught him to piss in your mouth. No bucket needed!

Obviously the reasearchers at John Hopkins are onto something SO
big, they can hardly contain their excitement.

"Our research indicates that by drinking six to eight glasses of fresh dog urine per day, individuals can reduce the risk of cardiac arrest by as much as 70 percent," said Dr. Arnold Minton, covering his mouth with his hand. "This abundantly available material contains magical cardio-fluxo-medicines that strengthen the heart's mitral chambers and help keep its four aortic corridors clear of toxins and other such harmful substances."

Here is what they advise for those at particular risk of having a heart-attack:

"Get yourself a dog, ideally a Labrador retriever, as the Ph level is optimal in this particular breed, and then train it to urinate into a bucket," Weiscz said. "Then, when the bucket is three-quarters to four-quarters full, lift it to your mouth and chug as quickly as you can."

"It's also important to yell out, 'Ah, that's some tasty dog pee!' as soon as you're done," said Minton, his chest visibly shaking. "I should know. I'm a trained medical professional."

Tuesday's announcement is believed to be the most significant medical breakthrough from the Johns Hopkins team since its 1997 discovery that a grape stuffed in the left nostril for 48 hours will lower blood pressure by 30 percent.

Look at it this way, you could be saving your own life, and your lawn will thank you too.