{IN}Conspicuous Construction: So, What did you do all day?

Saturday, May 06, 2006

So, What did you do all day?

That phrase must be on countless medical files as the "CAUSE OF DEATH" for husbands who chose those toxic words, when they arrogantly combined that constellation of letters in the English Alphabet.

When you ask a Stay-At-Home Mom what she did all day, delivered in conjunction with a negative undertone and a disapproving glare, this is basically how it's translated to her:

"You lazy, ugly, bitch. I'm out, working my ass off all day for a shitty boss, at a shitty job, making shitty money, only to come home to a shitty house, eat a half-assed dinner and have to put up with these shitty kids- that you can't seem to train, because you're too busy fantasizing about how to spend my paycheck each week. I'd tell you to do something with yourself because you look like hell, but I know that will only encourage your over spending habits, and put me farther into a financial fuck hole. I'd rather put a pistol in my mouth versus having to spend one more second trying to exist in this so-called home. I bet I could find a $5.00 whore that could do a better job at keeping this dive livable. You're laundry detergent makes me itch, your cooking sucks major ass, these damn kids are outta' control, and I absolutely can't stand your feeble attempts at decorating, it just costs me more time and money to fix. I'll be at Super 8 with a voodoo woman named Phyllis until you can get your shit together, you pathetic excuse for a wife."

And then the kicker:

"My mom was right about you."

Maybe dramatic, but thats what is conveyed when the phrase "What did you do all day?" drips off of the forked tongues of unknowing men. Kevin has only made the mistake of muttering those words to me on very rare occasions. And yet, he tries to put a positive spin on it, by delivering his message in a chipper voice and with a smile:
"So sweetie, what did you do today?"
That's just one way clever men attempt to delay their inevitable demise at the hands of a woman, whom they thought once loved them.
When in actuality, if we were to have someone come into our homes and document every moment of our "uneventful days", the asinine question of what we did all day, would no longer hold its validity.
I'm in the process of documenting such a day and posting it here for all to observe. It may not be epic, but I'll be damned if you have enough time to take a shit (at least not without an audience of toddlers and pets) moreless donning stillettos, red lipstick and a matching G-string to look "presentable" for your beau on his return to the homefront.

My rant spawns not from any recent encounter with my lawfully wedded companion. Rather, I read a recent post over at one of my favorite places, "Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?" and was further inspired to publish my feelings, when Mama Tulip wrote
A Letter to her Husband

Be on the look out for: My Day In Print, the Agony, the Ecstasy and the BonBons I wish I could afford.

20 Comments:

At 10:50 PM, Anonymous said...: I simply state when posed with this question. "More than you ever will do in a lifetime. In one day I am a chef, a maid, an artist, a teacher, a law enforcer, a beloved mother who simply lives for her children, and a murderer if you ask me that question again. You could not learn what I have, even if you went to college every day for the rest of your life. And, I have done this all from a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Look at them fucker, that is what I have done all day. Any questions? Feel free to take my job anytime. Unfortunately it never will be done as well, nor would I ever get the day off.
At 4:39 PM, Addy said...: I totally agree with you Domestic Engineer!

I usually say...
"Look around, Are the kids still breathing? Are the pets and plants still thriving? Is there one square foot of space I've cleared off for your ass to lounge around on?"

Exactly.
At 6:15 PM, Anonymous said...: Wow,
I hope this is just a rant. If its truely more than this, you and him really need to seek help or begin addressing and rectifying issues one by one. A lot of this does appear to be a substanceless rant tho. Personally, if Andrea would ever write this in a public domain without it being factual, I would be pissed, offended, hurt, and embarrassed.
At 11:03 PM, Anonymous said...: Thanks danno but do you really think I would say something like that???
I'd be shackin' up with U and the chinchillas if I even thought that too loud.

Look closely..."My rant spawns NOT from any recent encounter with my lawfully wedded companion. Rather, I read a recent post over at one of my favorite places, "Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?"
At 11:10 PM, Addy said...: Chill Danno...as I said, it really doesn't have all that much to do with MY marriage... It's more of a combination of rants that I had read about recently, and put my own personal spin on things.
When you see me on Dr. Phil talking about the wild "role playing" friend that went off the deep end in Vegas...then you can start worrying
At 11:48 PM, Addy said...: Thanks for reiterating my sentiments my lawfully wedded companion,
(just one more reason I love you).
To be PERFECTLY CLEAR for those who read between the lines....this post is not a direct reflection of any of my marital situations. It should be viewed with humor and insight, but also to re-sensitize individuals of the severity of their words when they speak to loved ones, particularily spouses. I think we become so comfortable with each other after years spent together, we get that mentality of "Oh I can say anything to him/her and they'll understand what I mean." Thats not always necessarily true. Sometimes, the simplest of statements can cause the most hurt.
I needed to modify my previous comment above, because Kevin did not like the way I used the word "pursay" in my response to Danno. So I changed it.
I hope this better helps clarify things.
At 12:24 PM, Anonymous said...: At least Addy tells it like it is. I'm sick of these mommy blogs that only talk about how wonderful and beautiful motherhood is. Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful too, but it's very trying, not just on mommy, but on the marriage.
You seem to have a very understanding husband (I wish I could say the same)and if the two of you are able to look at your lives with a sense of humor and retain a passion for each other, you'll be doing what over 50% of other marriages fail at.

Thanks for the smiles. I love your wit!
At 2:20 PM, Addy said...: Wow, thank YOU crazed mum of 3!

Kevin and I are able to laugh about many things together, this post included.

You're right, mommyhood is trying on a marriage, both as a whole and individually. Sometimes it seems Kevin and I are on opposite scheduals and we just have to come together to make it work out for the best of our family.

You never truely know the meaning of "sacrifice" until you live for someone other than yourself.

Thanks for commenting!
At 2:25 PM, Addy said...: And to my friend, trueliberal, i don't even need to talk to your gilrfriend to know that behind every word you fellas speak to us (women)we have several different definitions of what it may mean.

Tough for you guys, I know, but you gotta put up with it, if you want us to PUT OUT with it! :)
At 5:17 PM, Anonymous said...: LWC, no, I do not think that you would say something like this, never!, but Addys post did state that this is "her feelings". So, why would I not beleive that this is what she truely feels.

Granted, I did not read any other posts from different blogs, so my context may not be complete.

Addy, Chill?? I hope I did not come off hot collared. Just concerned. In rereading your post, I truely did not catch 'any' humor in it, and I laugh at almost anything.

This does prove one thing tho, I am outta my element here, so say bye bye to cyber (does not read between the lines) Danno.
At 11:32 PM, Addy said...: Ok Danno, I'm about to run the gauntlet with ya buddy, so I hope you visit one last time so we can have some closure on this.

You said: "Addys post did state that this is "her feelings".

My post said: "When you ask a Stay-At-Home Mom what SHE did all day...this is basically how it's translated to HER"
I was speaking in generalities about any stay at home mom. If I were specifically speaking about myself, I would've stated that. I'm bold enough to own that. I then said that my "over exhagerrated" definition, is what is CONVEYED. I did not say that is how I personally feel.

Further more, I know you are concerned. You're a good man, thats what good men do. However, do you really think I would write about a TRUELY personal matter of my marriage, and the first you would hear of it would be on this website??? C'mon Danno, I thought that you knew me well enough to know that I would go to a real friend before I would enlist in the aid of some hoo-ha I've never met. And I can't believe that you didn't think my rant was funny..."I'll be at a Super8 with a voodoo woman named Phyllis until you can get your shit together" Thats priceless man! I'm giggling right now! :)
And maybe I'm outta my element because you're using abbreviations that I can't even recognize.
WTF is LWC N E Way???
Bottom line, I don't really write on here to entertain the masses. I post what moves me or whatever I may need to write to clear my mind of excess clutter. I have no agenda, and never intend to offend my friends or make them feel "out of the loop". Strangers, on the other hand, I could give two shits about. If I was bending over backwards to ensure that I kept a steady number of readers to boost my ego..I would be Aaron.
So please don't feel that you have to visit my blog to satisfy me. I more than enjoy the time I spend with you in the real world, though they're far and few between. I hope you're not upset by this because my daughter still needs her Godfather.

Long windidly yours,
Addy
At 11:39 AM, Anonymous said...: Otay, I'll bite your troll again. <-meant to be funny...

Let me see if I got this rite? Your post is a statement of generalities that husbands think this of their wives, that is most husbands, but not your husband? Is this what you really think? Or is this just substance less rhetoric you put out there to entice someone, something, or for absolutely no reason at all? Either way, anyway, a statement like that can be equally compared to any other chauvinistic/racial statement one could babble about anyone different than themselves.

Q/A time... Yea!!(get excited and scream like a classroom of kindergarteners!!)

Do I know you better than to think you believe this is what men think? Not really. Why? Because I have heard you make equal statements like this before. Many times stemming around us guys thinking with something other than our brains. Do I take some offence to this? Not really. Why? Because I see people do this everyday. Is it funny? I laugh at most anything. Did I take you more seriously than I should have? Yes. Am I upset with you? No. Do I regret replying in the first place? Yes, all I really cared about was you and K-dog. Will I probably read if you have a reply to this? Yes. Will I respond again? I hope not.

Here I ramble on more than you. You know, (arm around your shoulder)(I'm sure you think I am just coping a look down your top, because… that’s what men do) I watched my brother throughout his 20some years of marriage make jesting comments about his wife and women in general. Most of the time it was funny, but after hearing it for year after year, it became less an less funny and more and more along the lines that this is what he believes. After even more time went on it became offensive and disrespectful to his wife, family, and friends.
Maybe just after seeing this I am more sensitive to it?
One of your repliers stated that words can hurt, there true. That became the abusive tool of choice my brother used resulting in their divorce. He was very sly about it throughout and even to this day. It caused my sister-in-law, their children, and our entire family a lot of pain.

Maybe this whole thing just stems from that Andrea and I simply do not know you well enough? But all I have to go on is who I seldom see and what lil I read about your thoughts.

Glad to hear I was wrong.

BTW, LWC was addressing Lawfully Wedded Companion, K-dog.
NWTFCYNGTYCL?
Figure that one out!
(hint) it ends, You Crazy Lady

***********************************
The WWW gives this as a definition:

troll v.,n. To utter a posting on Usenet designed to attract predictable responses or flames. Derives from the phrase "trolling for newbies"; which in turn comes from mainstream "trolling";, a style of fishing in which one trails bait through a likely spot hoping for a bite.

The well-constructed troll is a post that induces lots of newbies and flamers to make themselves look even more clueless than they already do, while subtly conveying to the more savvy and experienced that it is in fact a deliberate troll.

If you don't fall for the joke, you get to be in on it.

The following extract is from a broader expansion of the defining comments given above:

In Usenet usage, a troll is not a grumpy monster that lives beneath a bridge accosting passers-by, but rather a provocative posting to a newsgroup intended to produce a large volume of frivolous responses.

The content of a "troll posting generally falls into several areas. It may consist of an apparently foolish contradiction of common knowledge, a deliberately offensive insult to the readers of a newsgroup, or a broad request for trivial follow-up postings.

There are three reasons why people troll newsgroups:

People post such messages to get attention, to disrupt newsgroups, and simply to make trouble.

Career trollers tend for the latter two whilst the former is the mark of the clueless newbie and should be ignored.
At 5:17 PM, Anonymous said...: WOAH, I was going to saty out of this, but these are your friends?

I get pissed whe a friend tells me I look tired.
Your's call you a troll?!

Ya'll do things differently in the midwest dont'cha?
At 5:44 PM, Addy said...: UHHH...I'm only a little overwhelmed with your last comment Danno. Lets see if I can make something of it though.
Your logic was flawed right out of the gates with your opening statment: "Let me see if I got this rite? Your post is a statement of generalities that husbands think this of their wives, that is most husbands, but not your husband? Is this what you really think?"

No, thats not what I think. I did not say that this was what most husbands think of their wives (my husband included) I said that it is what a man MIGHT AS WELL SAY when he asks a stay at home mom what she did all day, because thatis what is CONVEYED to her. I also added that it may seem drastic, but how many times to people jump to rash descisions and come to conclusions without knowing the truth behind what was said? Case in point.
I never implied that my husband disrespects me in that manner, nor di I directly implicate any other husbands mistreating their wives that way, or vice versa for that matter. Bottom line, marriage is always peaches and glitter. You know that. As for me pegging guys on their ability to think with more than just thier brains, hello...it's a scientific fact that men think about sex every 27 seconds or something ridiculous. Thats just who guys are, everyone knows that.
I'm gld you're senisite to the marital code of conduct. You have a wonderful wife that deserves it, as do you.
As for the fact of not knowing me well enoug, I'll buy that. When we do get together, it's good time Charlie, because who wants to sit around and bitch about life for 8 hours when you're with good friends? Let's not be coy either. In out group of friends, we all have G-14 classified information about each others relationships, and those things would never be discussed in a shitty forum like this. Thats how you know friends are friends...when you can trust them with information of that nature. If I were truey a troll, as you called me, I would be posting as much drama as possible to get people drawn into more bullshit. Thats not whay I do this. It is no different for me than a paper journal, except here, I get the occasional commentor I can bounce information off of.
You spoke of disrespaect throughout our entire literary bantor, and yet, the description of what you THINK i'm triyng to accomplish here, was the most disrespectful thing thats been on this post! As for you extensive research on TROLLS, if I were trying to reel people in, I've targeted the wrong audience, because here I am debating this issue with someone of whom I can talk to in person. Besides, i meant for this to be more a womans issue anyway.
I'm not going to try and decipher your web code as I'm still trying to figure out your RSVP response for Kevin's and my wedding 3 years ago!
I'm better off if I just write a mommy blog where I discuss the size color and odor of every diaper changing!

GEEE-SUS!!!!
At 9:59 PM, Anonymous said...: What time is it?? Q/A time! Yea!!(lets all get excited again!! Weehee!) This time I took my oestrogen and progesterone injections, (picture me bouncing lively around wearing a wig, bra and panties, oh yea, I'm still part male, no panties)(that should burn your mind out) The stuff I found should fit rite in now, and I can become "The Stereotypical".

Here we go:

Q: Why are men such jerks?
A: It's a Testosterone thing. Much similar to your P.M.S. thing, we men suffer from Testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter? And it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure! Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

Q: Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
A: Again, this is a Testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the Testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

Q: Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
A: We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Q: Why do men always say such stupid things?
A: We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our mate frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

Q: Why are men so uncommunicative?
A: You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it, you get into trouble.

Q: Why do men have to act like such retards?
A: Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Q: How do men always manage to say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?
A: Umm... Instinct, natural timing, and lots of practice (not necessarily in that order).

Q: Why can't men just share their feelings?
A: Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel (and could care less)? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, or disgust, we have no idea how we feel. I personally get a little dizzy whenever I try to figure out how I feel. Generally speaking, I feel mostly annoyed when a woman asks me to share how I feel.

Q: Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
A: Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... On the other hand, sitting on our asses for hours on end is a whole other story.

Q: How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
A: Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers and et cetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

Q: Why do men always speak to my breasts?
A: Boy, aren't we a little proud of ourselves? Maybe we're trying to speak to your heart. No? Well, the truth is that for many women, breasts may be the most interesting aspect of their personality. Yes, yes... It depend a lot on the particular woman (and the particular breasts). (See also: Why do men always neglect one breast over another?)

Q: Why do men always neglect one breast over another?
A: It always comes down to personality. There is something unique and special about every breast that gives it its own personality. It's similar to parents telling their children, "we love you all equally" when it's the furthest from the truth. Besides, it's hard for a man to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Personally, I suspect that most men would be much happier with just a single large perky breast in the middle of the chest.

Q: Why can't men just say "I love you?"
A: Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that to be a character fault. It's just not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

Q: Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

Q: What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
A: 1 Sleep with me. 2 Please sleep with me. 3 I'm sorry for whatever it is that you think I did. 4 What other woman? 5 I forgot to get you a gift. 6 What? I was listening. I was! I swear! 7 Anniversary? What anniversary? Didn't we just celebrate one last year? 8 Stop nagging me! 9 What do I have to do to get a beer around here? 10 PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME!

Q: What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
A: It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

Q: What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
A: Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

Q: What does it mean when men tell you that they prefer women who don't wear a lot of make up?
A: This is our subtle way to tell you that your makeup looks like it was applied by a team of chimpanzees with paint guns. How dare women accuse us men of having no tact?

Q: Why doesn't my mate ever answer me?
A: We can hear you just fine; we're just ignoring you. We simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Q: Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
A: Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up when you finally get tired of looking at it.

Q: What's with all the belching and farting?
A: This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

Q: Why do men hate shopping?
A: Going shopping simply makes no sense of any kind to men. This is comparable to going from restaurant to restaurant, looking at all the food, putting some in your mouth, but never actually swallowing (I won't even comment on the subject of women and swallowing).

Q: How can men be so inconsiderate?
A: Frankly, I'm hurt that you can even say such a thing. Lets take sex for instance. If a man lasts more than five minutes with you, he's thinking of nothing but you. To a man, an orgasm is an orgasm, whether achieved after five minutes or an hour of intercourse. Remember that the next time you have sex. We do it all, and we do it for you.

Q: Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
A: Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the peeing frequency over the sitting frequency. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. You surely wouldn't want to figure your invitation reply again. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. After all, we aim to please.

Q: Why do most men hate fuzzy toilet seat covers?
A: Who wants to pee in front of a guillotine, much less a pink fuzzy one? All the extra fuzz makes it impossible for the toilet seat to stay up properly. You either have to be talented enough to hold it up with one hand while peeing, or you have to really test your aiming and control skills. While most women need fuzzy toilet seat covers to avoid having to sit on a cold toilet seat, men are fortunate enough to have built-in cushioning (read: hair) on their bums.

Q: Why can't men be more sensitive?
A: We are perfectly capable of being sensitive. We just have no desire to be. Some men actually tried that in the '80s, but the consensus is that it was a total failure. It turned out that women don't really want sensitive men. Women only want men not to freak out when women do something stupid like crashing their car or blowing out their best speakers. Otherwise, women want men that won't think twice before crushing that big hairy spider hiding underneath the toilet.

Q: Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
A: Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?

Q: Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
A: As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

Q: Why do men like younger women?
A: Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. There's also less evidence of gravity's handy work on their bodies.

Q: Why do men like older women?
A: Actually, men just like women period. Age actually has very little to do with anything. Unless the particular woman in question resembles Yoda, other factors such as availability or proximity take much more precedence.

Q: How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
A: Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should accept us and love us despite our inherent weakness.

Q: Why do men act like they own the remote control?
A: What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

Q: Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
A: You're kidding right? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

Q: Why do men fear commitment?
A: Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. Dating is like shopping for an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of the newer models come with fun optional extras like dual air bags.

Q: Do all men really masturbate?
A: Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons. Although all women inherit the genotype as well, most women don't express the phenotype until much later in their life cycle.

Q: Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
A: Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

Q: Why do men generally have better hand-eye motor coordination?
A: It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

Q: Why are men such dogs?
A: I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient... We men are nothing like dogs.

Q: Why are men so annoying?
A: We're not. You're just moody. What? Is it that time of the month again already?

Q: Why do men always assume it's that time of the month?
A: Well, men are very easily confused. While most months hover around 30 days, most women cycle around the lunar calendar (~28 days). This creates a mismatching cycle that's just too much for us males to track. It's simply easier for men to assume that it's that time of the month. Surprisingly, this form of guesstimate actually works with amazing accuracy.

Q: Why can't men just be friends (i.e. the sex thing)?
A: Women either talk incessantly about their mate or only call when they're having relationship trouble. Most women don't even like being friends with other women. In general, women are catty, petty, competitive, jealous, and gossipy. Why else would men want to be friends with women? (See also: What's the deal with this male bonding business?)

Q: What's the deal with this male bonding business?
A: The answer to this question, again lies in men's evolutionary roots. In prehistorical times when men hunted, in order to be successful, it was often necessary to hunt in packs. Needless to say, women could not come along; excessive chatter and noise alerts the prey and gives away position. This also explains why men do not speak to each other very much when hanging out together. Women, on the other hand, were gatherers. The more they spoke to each other and cooperated, the more successful the gathering. This fundamental difference in behavior explains why women cannot possibly comprehend male bonding. This is also a major reason why men and women can never become 'just' friends.

Q: Do men really fake orgasms?
A: Yes. Especially as we get older, if the sex is particularly bad or we realize we've made some sort of mistake, we sometimes fake it and try to salvage a good night's rest.

Q: Why do men lie?
A: We actually prefer not to, but women make us lie. And I quote, "Honey, does this dress make my behind look huge?" or "Do you really think that other woman is more attractive than me?" When we tell you the truth like we don't want a relationship or that we prefer going out drinking with our buddies, you get mad at us. So we tell you what we think you want to hear. All we're simply trying to do is to please you.

Q: Why can't men ever give a straight answer to a simple question?
A: Frankly, your questions aren't all that simple. In general, when a woman asks a question, she has a correct answer in mind. We men are well aware of this. Therefore, it may take us a while to come up with the right answer. If a question is particularly tough, we may not answer at all.

Q: Can men really die from a lack of sex?
A: To be perfectly honest, the answer is NO. But sometimes it makes us wish we were dead. Actually, sometimes it makes us wish you were dead (or at least unconscious).

Q: When will men ever grow up and mature?
A: Funny you should ask. I just got home from the Boy's Club™ meeting, and we finally had a vote on this issue. It had been tabled for discussion for quite a while, and it was hard to pass because on such serious issues, we needed more than just a simple majority. Anyhow, it was finally passed; and our final decision is "TOMORROW." Collectively, we'll all grow up, be mature, and act responsibly t_o_m_o_r_r_o_w. Tonight we're hanging out with the guys and going out drinking. And no, you can't come along.

Q: Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
A: While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

Q: Why do men think with their groins?
A: I don't think most women fully appreciate the situation. While we've only got ONE brain, we've got more than a couple of MILLION sperms! Even if we had good intentions, what chance does it actually have against a couple of million frisky sperms? I believe this is commonly referred to as the tyranny of the majority. It's simply an inescapable consequence of a voting democracy.

Q: Why do most men name their private parts?
A: Contrary to popular belief, most men don't actually get to name their private parts. Men have to address our best friend and confidant however he wishes. Why do you think that most of these names start with Mister? The last thing men want is to have their penis mad at them.

Q: Why do most men love beer so much?
A: Well, I can't actually speak for the rest of the male population, but I personally cannot recall the last time my beer has asked me "Do you know what is wrong with you?" in the midst of my favorite television show.

Q: Why don't men ever pay attention (i.e. listen)?
A: Men actually do try, but scientific studies show conclusively that extended exposures to long hours of nagging and whining destroys the cilia in the Cochlea (tiny little hairs in the ear responsible for hearing). Haven't you noticed that it's always the men that wear the hearing aids whenever you see old couples together?

Q: Why can't men admit that other men are attractive?
A: While most women assume this to be a homophobic thing, the reality is that men actually have no idea what women consider attractive in other males. Let me illustrate this point by raising some examples that women have claimed to be virile masculine sex symbols: Woody Allen, Patrick Swayze, Burt Reynolds, Michael Douglas, Henry Kissinger, Jean Claude Van Damme, Keanu Reeves, Kurt Russel, Christian Slater, Tom Selleck, etc. (and don't even start me on Fabio). Generally speaking, after looking at some suggested examples such as these, most men are sent hopelessly into a frenzied spiral of confusion. The corollary to this is that men also cannot tell which females women consider attractive. While it's easy to tell what men find attractive in females, men are frequently confronted by statements like, "Cindy Crawford? I can't believe you like her. She's not even pretty!" My only answer to this is, "I'm sorry. You're right dear. She's not attractive at all. Apparently, she's established a super model career; she gets $10,000 per day; and I'm the only schmuck that thinks she's attractive. Boy, apparently Revlon thinks I'm a much larger consumer of female cosmetics than I actually am. I'll call their market research department right away to correct the mistake."

Q: Why are men so fond of speaking in sport metaphors?
A: All groups utilize jargon to identify and differentiate group members from non-group members. Jargon is also used to communicate in a way that's cryptic to non-group members. Men speak in sport metaphors for much of the same reason. While this behavior not only reaffirms men's membership in the group, it also serves to alienate most women from the conversation. As a result, speaking in sport metaphors are highly encouraged by other males.

Q: Why do most men watch so much sports?
A: While most women assume this behavior is caused by men's natural inclination to athletic activities, this is an errant assumption. In order to effectively communicate with other males (via sports metaphors), men need to watch every possible sporting event to keep up with the necessary facts and stats. This is much similar to attending trade shows and subscribing to trade magazines. Excessive use of outdated sports metaphors is heavily frowned upon. However, occasional use of an outdated and highly obscure sports metaphor is highly revered. The corollary to this is that men who do not watch sports generally do not have many male friends. Another upside of watching sports is that it serves as a valid excuse to ignore your mate for hours at a time.

Q: Why won't men ever stop to ask for directions?
A: Where do you think we would be today if Christopher Columbus had stopped and asked for directions? While the old frontier days are over, this evolutionarily honed genetic instinct to explore doesn't simply go away. Men are still very much true to their nomadic roots. Especially armed with the modern knowledge that the Earth is round, no self-respecting man will ever stop to ask for directions again either!

Q: Why do men say they'll call, and then NOT call?
A: Have you ever seen a lizard shed its tail for a quick get away? Well, this is the men's version. The male in question, desperate for a quick getaway, distracts the female with a quick line like "I'll call you," and thanks his lucky stars that women still actually believe this line. Remember that day in seventh grade when they separated the boys and the girls? This is one of the things they taught the little boys to never forget. Over the ages, this line has been updated to keep up with the times. I believe the original line was something like, "I'll swing by your tree tomorrow."

Q: Why are most men so afraid of liberated women?
A: What are you talking about? Men love women who are free enough to run around without a bra. We just have to draw the line somewhere, such as facial and/or leg hair.
Q: What do men talk about after a date?
A: Nothing. We don't talk about dates unless we got lucky. Then and only then, the only question that is asked is the attractiveness of the female in question. This is important for score keeping purposes as it helps to calculate the degrees of difficulty.

Q: Why is it so hard to find a funny, intelligent, nice, sensitive, and single man?
A: The answer is actually quite simple. It all boils down to the law of supply and demand. If women truly wanted men who are funny, intelligent, nice, and sensitive, there would be a much greater supply. However, since women are actually more attracted to material wealth, muscular mass, or men who mistreat them, this explains the abundant supply of men who are workaholics, muscle heads, or total jerks.

Q:Is it a scientific fact that men think about sex every 27 seconds?
A:If your a women it is.

Q:Why do men think that everything a woman writes is what they think and beleive in?
A:I still have no idea? I am however learning... to shut up that is.
(Ohh Noo, the drugs are wearing off. I better get otta here)

Before I go, I bet you cant guess what the new gift of choice will be. Heck with the Garden Knome. Lil trolls decorated all over the van. You sure your ready for a minimum of 56 hours togeather, trapped in close quarters?? Honestly, no one except Andrea has seen this side of me. Hope it doesn't scare you.

(looking down, what the f**k?? I'm wearing a bra. S**T!!)

Oh yea, Andrea forwards her apologies for sending me to your site.
At 10:05 PM, Addy said...: And sorry about all of the grammatical errors. I didn't have an hour to proof read my long ass reply when I've got kids screaming in my ear.

Though I do want to clarify ONE of my errors in my last reply. I said, "Bottom line, marriage is always peaches and glitter."

I meant to say, Marriage ISN'T always peaches and glitter.
Thats one of the other benifits of keeping a paper journal...you don't have to worry about your spelling when you're rushing to get thoughts and feelings out before they escape you.
Damn technology.
At 10:26 PM, Addy said...: Well, As I just posted my apologies for my grammatical errors, I was hoping to not have to debate with you anymore Danno. Then, I saw your endless fillabuster of everything I was just trying to defend guys from. Go figure.
I too, actually thought about replacing the gnome with trolls for our vegas trip, but I'm all the troll we'll need right?
The only thing you DIDN'T include in your wackjob Q/A was asking me what I did all day.
I know you hate being wrong and would debate until the Japanese Sun rose in the West. I've heard thats how you were in school, it's what makes you a good engineer. You're over analytical, but in this case, it's best to let the sleeping dog lie.
We'll be fine all stuck in the minivan on our way to Vegas. (As long as the A/C doesn't take a shit.) In some ways, you're alot like Aaron, you've got the debate skills, but when faced with immediate confrontation, you take a more "logical" approach. Which is smart. I'm glad I got to see this side of you Danno. I always wondered if you had the chops, now my hypothesis has been proven true. Congratulations.
At 4:34 PM, Anonymous said...: I have debate skills?? Not shown here...thats for sure.
The number one important point of successful argument and debate (per good ol U.W.M.) is not to offend or insult your audience. In my opinion, you did this with the delivery of your topic, and I did throughout my attempt at making a point.
The problem with insults and offending others is that no one listens to the words that follow, even if they might be strong and valid material.
I think I was more trolling than anyone with my reply, but felt open to do so with the way you presented your topic. (which I took insulting to men, and your husband at first).

Personally, if a wife thinks that this is what her hubby thinks when he asks a question like that, maybe its more her problem? Maybe she feels less adequate than she should, or... actually doesn't do as much as she should to make the family unit successful.
Some of us men view parenting and raising of children as being one of the most important jobs life will ever demand on us. Many of us also know that very little gets done in any given day, mostly with constant interruptions.
At 9:16 PM, Addy said...: "The number one important point of successful argument and debate (per good ol U.W.M.) is not to offend or insult your audience."

The "master debater" (hee hee) is one is who "feels offended", but never wavers to actually showing the taken offense. If an individual didn't take offense to a topic they were passionate about, well they just aren't that passionate about it then are they?
And to answer your comment of:
"Personally, if a wife thinks that this is what her hubby thinks when he asks a question like that, maybe its more her problem? Maybe she feels less adequate than she should, or... actually doesn't do as much as she should to make the family unit successful."
Sure, I'll agree with that, but at some point, someone in the marriage has to bend a little to allow for a successful familial unit. How many times do you hear woman claim to be depressed, unattractive, and unwanted because they've forgotten who they were, in the midst of raising their children. I feel that you're robbing your children of an influenctial role model when you completely give up everything you are, to become "wonder mom or wonder dad". It doesn't matter if that passion is playing a sport, art, music, rebuilding tractors...you need to hang on to some of your individuality to show your children how special THEY are.
There is still major sacrifice, but I think thats when simple statements, like the one we've been debating for EVER, really cut to the soul for many stay-at-home moms.
At 9:59 PM, Anonymous said...: My eyes hurt.

{IN}Conspicuous Construction

Saturday, May 06, 2006

So, What did you do all day?

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